i gotta get a grip. i cannot escape this. i’m not just having this experience. i’m living it. why am i here? there must be a reason. i’m not ashamed. nor am i to blame. if i love too much. if i can’t control my behavior. if i bring myself down. i’ve read the books and in between the lines, yet i’ve yet to define. is that really up to me. now they call me mommy. i get that one. cannot deny. cannot turn away. cannot escape. this title i embrace. i’m scared to death, though.
i keep asking questions. all these questions. i can’t seem to move without doing so. i don’t get very far, though. or so it seems. i feel like the majority of my life’s been spent walking treadmills. at least in comparison to the mundane observer. yet i’ve been abroad many times. i embarrass myself to myself for not fitting in. for being too deep. i’m very critical, not only of you. my treatment of you is directly related to my personal view. don’t just stand there...move something! i mean really. life is no dress rehearsal. you can’t stand in the wings forever waiting for your cue. or can you. there are few true, forevers.
another blank canvas. or is it one already completed and discarded, found and ready for re-use. oh the possibilities. should i follow some of the lines that show through my gesso? maybe they aren’t thick enough. maybe my new strokes can over power. it’s my will i suppose. wether or not i start fresh and how much effort i put in.
new cards have been dealt. my hand, my play. my gamble. what’s my wager? am i in over my head? can i afford to lose?
as long as i’m alive these thoughts will probably plague me. but there’s always a “canvas” to be found.
Trying to hold me down, as I was just getting my footing
Attempting to keep me down, just as I was adjusting
to a new environment, a brand new climate
But I won’t let you get a grip. I’m greased up enough to slip
Your smile is bright and wide. But your teeth are sharp and your eyes don’t lie
Determined to feign concern
Workin my last nerve
But I’m experienced with those like yourself
Snooping around my domain
Wantin’to banana my wealth
i am allowed to cry
though i do feel guilty
feeling all this pain from, regret
i am allowed to cry
some say it’s important to do so
it’s a cleansing
boy, could i use some of that
i’m so far removed right now
it’s a shame
but i’m reaching
i have nothing left to do
hit’it or quite’it
but i can’t quite
no, that would be selfish
i have nothing to loose
and all to gain
so why not allow the tears to wash it away
a trinkle, a drizzle, a stream, a shower
i need that release so i can move on
i feel so clogged
i need to be ringed out